The Ultimate Beginner s Guide to BDSM

SOURCES:
Cleveland Clinic: “Ultherapy.”
Clinical, Cosmetic and Investigational Dermatology: “Noninvasive skin tightening: focus on new ultrasound techniques.”
Finger Lakes Health: “Ultherapy.”
Harvard T.H. Chan School of Public Health: “Collagen.”
Health First Dermatology: “Ultherapy.”
The Journal of Clinical and Aesthetic Dermatology: “Customized Treatment Using Microfocused Ultrasound with Visualization for Optimized Patient Outcomes: A Review of Skin-tightening Energy Technologies and a Pan-Asian Adaptation of the Expert Panel’s Gold Standard Consensus.”
Plastic and Reconstructive Surgery Global Open: “Use of Micro-focused Ultrasound for Skin Tightening of Mid and Lower Face.”
UT Southwestern Medical Center: “Ulthera.”

What to Know About Ultherapy

Ultherapy, also known as Ulthera, is a non-surgical cosmetic treatment used to tighten the skin of the face and neck. This FDA-approved ultrasound therapy works to gradually lift the skin on your neck, chin, and brow, minimizing any fine lines and wrinkles.

Using micro-focused ultrasound, Ultherapy treats the superficial layers of the skin at a much lower level of ultrasound energy than the high-energy ultrasound that’s more often used to nonsurgically remove tumors.

These two types of focused ultrasound are in many ways similar to a pregnancy ultrasound or other types of ultrasound used in medical imaging. The main difference is that Ultherapy emits various frequencies of ultrasound energy through the skin in order to lift and tighten it.

As of today, Ultherapy is the only non-invasive treatment option of its kind. Studies have shown that it’s both safe and effective.

How Does Ultherapy Work?

Ultherapy uses a smooth applicator with ultrasound technology to target your body’s natural collagen and stimulate production of new collagen fibers.

The average length of the portion of a doctor appointment in which the patient actually sees the doctor is up from previous years, rising by about 12 seconds per year, according to Reuters. However, 60% of physicians report dissatisfaction with the amount of time they spend with their patients, athenaInsight Many doctors now spend more time on paperwork than seeing patients, and a primary care physician who spends 5 minutes of face-to-face time with a patient will spend another 19.3 minutes, on average, working on that patient’s electronic health records (EHRs).

Collagen is a natural protein that keeps your skin firm and toned, contributing to a more youthful appearance. As you age, your body stops producing collagen and the collagen in your body loses its strength. This is what causes gravity to run its course. Because the collagen is no longer strong enough to withstand the effects of gravity, your skin starts to sag or pull downward.

To counteract or slow the aging process, the Ultherapy device targets the collagen and elastin beneath the surface of your skin. It delivers focused ultrasound energy up to 5 millimeters deep to briefly heat the tissues. The heat then starts to gradually repair the skin by strengthening the existing collagen and stimulating the body to make new collagen.

What Are the Benefits of Ultherapy?

One of the greatest benefits of Ultherapy is that it’s a non-invasive procedure. This means there are no incisions or anesthesia involved. And unlike many laser treatments, Ultherapy doesn’t target melanin, meaning it’s safe for all skin types. You’ll also most likely need little to no downtime following your treatment.

Ultherapy’s ultrasound imaging technology allows your health provider to see the target tissue layer in real time. This makes it much easier to address your unique skin concerns and goals with precision while avoiding major areas like bone and blood vessels. As of now, there’s no other FDA-cleared nonsurgical device on the market with this capability.

With Ultherapy, you’ll likely see natural results after just one treatment. But the need for additional treatments varies from patient to patient. Overall, the Ultherapy procedure is a safe, effective, and long-lasting option for those looking to reduce the appearance of fine lines and wrinkles.

How to Know if You’re a Candidate for Ultherapy

Ultherapy is typically best suited for people in their 30s or older whose skin is mildly to moderately loose. If there’s a need for dramatic lifting or skin removal, surgery might be a better option.

The best way to know if you’re a candidate for Ultherapy is to talk to an Ultherapy specialist or board-certified cosmetic surgeon. These providers can assess your unique goals and needs to help you find the right treatment option.

What to Expect During Ultherapy Treatment

Treatment consultation. You’ll likely first have a consultation with an Ultherapy specialist or cosmetic surgeon to see if you’re a candidate for treatment. In this appointment, the specialist will assess your skin, discuss your specific goals, and ask you questions about your medical history. If you’re not a candidate, your Ultherapy specialist will recommend other treatment options that might better suit you.

Day of treatment. On the day of your treatment, your Ultherapy specialist will have you wash the area of your face being treated with a mild cleanser. You’ll also be asked to remove any jewelry from your face. Using a surgical skin marker, your specialist will map and number the areas of your face so they’ll know what frequency should be used in each area. Your practitioner will apply the ultrasound gel and glide the smooth applicator onto your skin.

Potential Risks and Side Effects of Ultherapy

Ultherapy is a treatment with few to no risks, which is why it’s such a popular FDA-approved option for those looking to improve their facial skin.

Your skin may appear slightly red or flushed immediately following treatment, but this should lessen within a few hours. You may also notice some mild swelling in the days after the procedure.

Micro-focused ultrasound therapy continues to be refined and used in combination with other rejuvenation techniques to give patients the best possible results.

Show Sources

SOURCES:
Cleveland Clinic: “Ultherapy.”
Clinical, Cosmetic and Investigational Dermatology: “Noninvasive skin tightening: focus on new ultrasound techniques.”
Finger Lakes Health: “Ultherapy.”
Harvard T.H. Chan School of Public Health: “Collagen.”
Health First Dermatology: “Ultherapy.”
The Journal of Clinical and Aesthetic Dermatology: “Customized Treatment Using Microfocused Ultrasound with Visualization for Optimized Patient Outcomes: A Review of Skin-tightening Energy Technologies and a Pan-Asian Adaptation of the Expert Panel’s Gold Standard Consensus.”
Plastic and Reconstructive Surgery Global Open: “Use of Micro-focused Ultrasound for Skin Tightening of Mid and Lower Face.”
UT Southwestern Medical Center: “Ulthera.”

The Ultimate Beginner’s Guide to BDSM

Your everything guide to what BDSM actually is — and isn’t.

With a Master’s Degree in clinical psychology, Rachel Wright has worked with thousands of humans worldwide, helping them scream less and screw more. She has brought her message to stages across the globe, was SHAPE Magazine’s Sex + Relationships Coach, and created the virtual workshop series What You Wish You Learned in School: Sex Ed and is currently one of mindbodygreen’s article review experts. She also has a residency at Green Room 42 in NYC called “One Night Stand: A Night for Sexier & Healthier Broadway.” Rachel has been featured widely in the media, including on Cheddar TV, as a regular contributor to SHAPE, INSIDER, mbg, InStyle, The Dipp, Well & Good — plus Cosmopolitan Magazine, PIX 11 (NYC), Women’s Health, NBC News Radio, Huffington Post, CTV (Canada), and hundreds of other outlets.

Published on August 24, 2021 @ 06:09PM
In This Article
In This Article

50 Shades of Grey. Cardi B’s hit song WAP. Rhianna’s S&M Video. We’ve read and listened to messaging around BDSM, and yet, it’s still misunderstood and misinterpreted by the general population. But BDSM is more common than you probably think — one study found 47% of participants had participated in at least one BDSM activity. Another 2014 study found that 65% of female participants and 53% of male participants have fantasized about being sexually dominated — and that the majority of the male participants (60%) and nearly half of female participants (47%) have fantasized about sexually dominating someone else.

If you’re curious about giving it a try yourself, this BDSM 101 guide will cover the basics, the extremes, and all the in-betweens (plus some resources if you want to continue learning!).

What Is BDSM?

First things first, before jumping into the statistics, what is BDSM? BDSM stands for bondage and discipline (B&D), dominance and submission (D&S), and sadism and masochism (S&M).

The term kink in human sexuality refers to using non-conventional sexual, sensual, or intimate practices, concepts, or fantasies. BDSM is one form of kink. Basically (like anything else), both kink and BDSM specifically are practices specific to each and every consenting human involved — and that’s the magic of it.

“Kinky folks [often] create and build intimacy through power exchange and/or sadism and masochism. We’re all aiming for the same goal — human connection — we just go about it in different ways,” says Cory Bush, a sex educator and full-spectrum doula.

Now, let’s be very clear here: BDSM is not abuse. “Abuse is a non-consensual power exchange in which the person being abused has no power to change the nature of or leave the relationship. It is based on control that was nonconsensually taken, whereas BDSM is based on control that is consensually gifted for a negotiated period of time,” Bush explains.

Ruth Neustifter, Ph.D. an associate professor of couples and family therapy at the University of Guelph in Ontario, defines BDSM as “a wide, expansive area of sexual and/or sensual play that ranges in intensity and complexity. It’s a collection of ways to explore intimacy, vulnerability, communication, ourselves, and our partners. Much like being playful, it’s designed to help us try different and creative ways of being ourselves (or being someone else) and being with each other.”

BDSM Terms to Know

Scene

Asceneis a previously negotiated, planned, consented to, communicated BDSM event. Basically, the scene is the main event, when all the talk gets put into action. When it comes to setting up a scene, there is quite a bit of planning involved (more on that later) to make sure everyone feels comfortable.

Safe words

It’s important to set upsafe words ahead of time before a scene begins. This is so important for so many reasons! One main reason is that scenes can be very intense. They can bring up tears, a lot of emotion, screaming — you name it. And a lot of the time, these things are good and help add to the scene’s intensity. Having safe words allows people to feel truly safe, knowing that if it ever goes too far they will always have a way to end the scene while also leaving space for wanted intensity. For doms, this is also helpful, so they know the limits of their sub. I recommend having a green/yellow/red system AND a safe word so that there are two ways to stop and two ways to keep going. (Ex: Yellow means “I’m close to this being too much, but it’s good right now.”)

Top and Bottom

The term top can be used in many ways. However, in terms of BDSM, the top is usually the human in the giving role. Meaning, they are the ones who apply stimulation to another and (in a previously consented to conversation) guides their bottom through a scene.

Similarly, the word bottom has different meanings in different contexts, but in BDSM, a bottom is usually on the receiving end of all the scene goodness — pain, humiliation — you name it! Generally, in a scene, it’s the bottom’s job to appease the tops (once again, all of this consented ahead of time, and safe words are ready and available).

Aftercare

Because of the intense nature of BDSM, it’s important to prioritize and check in on each other. Aftercare is the intentional time after a scene when the people involved do what they need to do to take care of any wounds, get grounded, or “come down.” This can look like applying ice packs, cuddling together and talking, taking some time to yourself, smoking a joint, eating a big snack — it will be different and specific for everyone and may change depending on what took place inside your BDSM container. Aftercare isn’t an option or suggestion— it’s a must. Also, remember that aftercare isn’t just necessary for bottoms or submissives — a scene can be just as emotionally intense for doms.

Pre-scene consultation or negotiation, safewords, and aftercare are all in place in a healthy BDSM dynamic.

BDSM Stigmas and Myths (And Why They Aren’t True)

One of the most common misconceptions about the BDSM community and those who practice BDSM is that it’s just random pain or violence inflicted on someone else. The reality is that there is a miraculous amount of intentional planning, intricate communication, and trust that goes into any BDSM scene.

Another stigma we see so often in the media is that anyone who is sexually confident is also irresponsible and often lacking a deep connection to themselves and others. This stigma couldn’t be more untrue when it comes to folks who partake in BDSM. In fact, so many people find BDSM not only healing but one of the safest forms of self-expression; self-expression that requires ample amounts of consent, communication, and attention from and towards partners. This is one of the stigmas that pisses me off the most because to have incredible sex, we actually have to be so in-tune with ourselves and our partners — and we can’t be afraid to talk about the hard things. This is never portrayed accurately in movies, which is why our society is so critical of sexually confident individuals. Okay, rant over (for now)!

Another stigma surrounding BDSM is the judgment of pain, dominance, and submission in sexual expression. Dr. Neustifer reminds us that pain isn’t fun for pain’s sake and that for the pain to be pleasurable, it needs to have context — to fit into a scenario that person finds arousing and exciting. Then, and usually, only then, it can “amplify and intensify sensation and arousal.” Some folks experience pain in this context as pleasure, and some won’t, and that’s what makes the world go round. If someone likes something sexually that you don’t, that’s fine, and we don’t need to say why we don’t like it; we can simply let them enjoy it! (Basically, don’t yuck someone else’s yum.)

Lastly, contrary to popular belief, BDSM isn’t just about intense sexual experiences and doesn’t always include whips, paddles, cuffs, and leather. It definitely can include those things, but it isn’t what defines BDSM. In fact, BDSM doesn’t just have to pertain to sex. Many people find the dynamics of domination and submission exhilarating to play around with in everyday life scenarios that aren’t inherently sexual. For example, there are D/s relationships based around exercise, lifestyle, or even clothing choices.

How to Plan a BDSM Scene

Because of the intensity of some scenes and the vulnerability needed to make them possible, it’s essential to make sure each person involved feels comfortable and can fully express their desires, limits, boundaries, and anything else they feel important to share.

Scene negotiations are really like a consultation to prepare for the main event. When going into a scene, it’s so important to communicate, communicate, communicate! And then, communicate some more. Talking about boundaries, expectations, desires, likes/dislikes, and non-negotiables will make your scene experience a million times more satisfying.

Mental Health, Trauma Healing, and BDSM

One of the magic possibilities of BDSM is its ability, within a safe, trusting environment, to help heal past traumas. There is something so powerful about healing sexual trauma through sex, and BDSM can present a safe space to do just that.

Our bodies hold trauma inside, and sometimes the best way to let it out is to rewrite trauma with positive, empowering sexual encounters. If you find yourself wanting to explore this, let people in. Tell a friend you are entering a trauma healing scene, so you have someone to talk to afterward. Be aware of your body during a scene and that you don’t dissociate— and don’t forget your safe word!

Additionally, BDSM can be incredibly useful while working to reclaim some power in your life. While some argue that you can’t be a submissive and be a feminist, Bush argues the opposite: “I would argue that you MUST be a feminist and realize the power you hold within yourself in order to give it to someone else.”

BDSM can also have very real mental health benefits. A 2016 study found that 91.4% of BDSM practitioners surveyed associated BDSM with relaxation or decreased stress most or nearly all of the time. Another survey from 2013 found that BDSM practitioners were less neurotic, more extroverted, less rejection sensitive, and had higher subjective well-being. BDSM provides opportunities to play, let go of our inhibitions, and explore new possibilities with ourselves and other people. With anything in life, when we fully submit to letting ourselves explore, our confidence is boosted because we allow ourselves to just be.

It can also help boost your relationship, if you’re in one. A study from 2009 found that couples that engaged in positive, consensual BDSM and kink had lower levels of the harmful stress hormone cortisol and reported greater feelings of relationship closeness and intimacy after their play. There could be many reasons for this, but the main one is definitely the ability to be fully vulnerable with someone and allow each other the freedom to express their sexualities together.

Also, remember, for a BDSM scene to feel truly fulfilling, we have to allow ourselves to feel present. Being and feeling present can look so different for everyone, and everyone might have a different idea of what being present looks like — and that’s beautiful. Find what helps you feel most present in your body, and don’t be afraid to ask your partners what their present looks like, too.

BDSM Resources to Get Started

BDSM might feel out of reach or scary, but it doesn’t need to be — unless that’s what you like!. “If you want to buy a formal latex and leather outfit, take an intensive training to build skills, and build a tricked-out full dungeon in your home, then, by all means, go for it! And if you and your lovers want to cover each other in sparkly stickers, bark, and meow cutely, and feed each other bowls of rainbow frosting, then that’s great, too,” Dr. Neustifter says.

Again, this is about finding what you like — not getting it “right.” The only thing that must be “right” is the consent piece, understanding limits, and respecting your partner(s). Use BDSM as a way to tap into yourself, your sexuality, relationships, vulnerability, and so much more.

Recommended Books on BDSM

The New Topping Book by Dossie Easton
The New Bottoming Book by Dossie Easton
Existential Kink by Carolyn Elliott
Kink: Stories edited by R.O. Kwon
Playing Well with Others: Your Field Guide to Discovering, Exploring and Navigating the Kink, Leather and BDSM Communities by Lee Harrington
Life, Leather and the Pursuit of Happiness: Life, History, and Culture in the Leather/BDSM/Fetish Community by Steve Lenius

Recommended Blogs on BDSM

Kinkly.com has an entire dictionary of kink and BDSM definitions on the website that’s great for beginners.
Bound-Together covers the basics: communication, dominance, submission, research, and rope.
Loving BDSM is a BDSM couple who has a blog, Instagram, and podcast. Their blog covers BDSM from a couple’s perspective with educational and personal essays.
Coffee And Kink Blog has educational pieces, personal essays, and opinion pieces.
The Blak Syn focuses primarily on opinion pieces regarding kink instead of educational content.
Dame Swell has an article on how to explore BDSM by yourself, which I think is a really powerful resource.

BDSM Classes (Online + In-Person)

Rope tying classes
Conscious Kink by Lina Dune (AskASub)
DomSub Living

BDSM Social Media Accounts

BDSM Products to Try

Anoeses Leather Products
Sportsheets Under the Bed Restraints
Glutton for Punishment Paddles
CreepyyeahaSig Choker
Rogue H-Style Leather Flogger
XR Slapper with Holes
Paddle Me Silicone Paddle
Bondage Tape (only sticks to itself!)

Rachel Wright, LMFT, is a licensed psychotherapist, sex educator, and relationship expert based in New York City.